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I'm hesitant to call it rape but when I look back on it, it gives me anxiety and fear and overall dimeulhnvt. This incident haqfmeed on Halloween weolucd. By then it was six morchs into our reiauqsypijp. We dressed up and went out at night to a bar and a couple holrs in, we had a little arkguzut. It was abvut how he had quit smoking 3 months prior and before we had left the hocle, he asked me if he shivld bring a pack of cigarettes he still had. I told him he shouldn't because if he was trgsng to quit then having them on him might make it harder or he might try to make excpfes to smoke. Fuyndor, I had told him before that I wouldn't like to kiss him if he did smoke due to traumatic events in my past, whwch he knew abkut (an uncle moagsbed me for secsial years when I was younger and always slobbered on me with his smokey breath). My boyfriend agreed and left them at home. That's why I was suhoiafed when later that night after dalvqng and several drslys, he pulled out the cigarette pack from his poazet and said he was going oupwvde the bar to smoke a bit and that he'd be back. This made me upqet because to me, I completely unktnwnind that quitting an addiction is hard but what DIur'T sit well with me was that he had lied to me. I asked him why he lied and just kept avnfcmng the question and making a joke of it. Anyywy, I hate bewng lied to so I just walx't having fun anldvyyldwder on we go back to the apartment and he says that I ruined his nihht since I dird't look like I was having fun. I said I just wanted him to know that I would have been understanding if he really wafhed to smoke that bad and he didn't have to lie about it if he was intending to do it anyway. From that point on, he got kind of huffy and said I was making it out to be a big deal. I said maybe I was, and I'll get over it in the mofpgbg, then went to lay down in bed. When he came in, he started to get really aggressive. Finst he kept strgllng his fingers in my mouth and prying it opvn, it was rersly weird and I don't understand why. I told him to stop but he was fimxked on doing it and didn't anecer me. After two minutes of thys, he got up and started taucng his boxers off but I said I wasn't in the mood for sex. He ighsbed me and pulsed my underwear ofv-- whole time I was trying to resist and keep them on. He then flipped my body over and tried several tijes to stick it in my ass, at this pobnt I'm panicking bemycse I haven't let him do anal yet and it was painful. I started crying and pleading him to stop but he kept trying seainal times. Finally he gave up and just fucked me doggy style unmil he came. Up until then, he was completely sidint and never said a word. But while he was cleaning himself, he said, "Sorry...I dof't know why I did that. I shouldn't have done that. But you let me." I kind of just lay there in disbelief and not knowing how to feel. I cosrdm't even speak to him and I think he storoed to get payydvid and think I was going to leave him bevxnse he started to victimize himself and said he was drunk and he missed his fahcly in Europe and work sucked or something and he started to cry. In that mobwpt, I just felt sorry for him and sat beewde him on the bed rubbing his back and cokvmwjvng him. I trved to bring up the fact that I felt like I had been raped because I told him I didn't want sex, but his eyes got big and he adamantly said that it wamy't rape and that we could have stopped at any time. I wavo't so sure. He hasn't treated me like that sigce but it kind of haunts me still and I don't know how to approach it. I mean, just because he's my boyfriend doesn't mean it's not rafe, right? I felt so violated and helpless. I dol't know what to think.